Let’s all welcome CorPersons to the human world!
Thursday, January 28, 2010 at 12:01AM As corporations evolve into humanoids – CorPersons – we must give these new friends and fellow earthlings equality. For if we do not we will surely lose our own humanity.
Though it’s a legal fiction, in multiple ways, that U.S. corporations are people, I assure you this injustice can be remedied.
It should matter not in our treatment of CorPersons that there was never any court ruling or legislation bestowing upon corporations personhood. See: Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad.
So what, if a wayward remark in a headnote to a court case was seized by corporate interests to transform a myth into a “legal fact,” an “entity” into a living, breathing, conscious being, alive with feelings and vitality? We must all rejoice at the birth of our illusory child.
On Thursday, January 21, 2010, the U.S. Supreme Court slapped the CorPerson on its fat butt, cut the umbilical cord and, the heir to a zillion-zillon dollar fortune, wailed with joy!
So, I say, let’s keep going! Howdy and welcome to the human world CorPersons! God bless the child that’s got not only its own but everybody else’s.
In the spirit of taking things way too far, I suggest the following human attributes be bestowed upon the new humanoid immediately:
The Right to Pay Human Taxes: Forget two tax rates. With equality for CorPersons we only need one. If people can’t take the deduction, neither can a CorPerson. Cars, planes, meals, travel, supplies, equipment, raw materials, all taxable! Depreciation deduction? A thing of the past. You’re human now ya’ big goofy conglomerate you!
Used with permission of the artist: M. Wuerker
Election Laws: CorPersons must obey all human person election laws, including individual campaign contribution limits. No, sorry, real humans can’t afford TV ads so, it’s only fair you can’t do those. It would be way over the limit. But, here’s the good part: CorPersons will be able to run for public office. President Exxon/Mobil has a nice ring to it.
The Right to be Imprisoned: Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. If humans get time for the crime, so do CorPersons. Stealing, cheating, perjury, fraud all crimes subject to jail terms. While CorPersons are virtually incarcerated, all outside corporation activities desist.
Jury Duty: CorPersons will have the honor, and the obligation, as citizens to serve as jurors – we can issue each CorPerson a driver’s license so they get called. They need only send one human person, but the rest of the corporation may not continue operations while their representative is at the court house. During breaks, the people who comprise the corporation can grab a bite to eat, read, have a smoke or walk around the block. But, just like human jurors, they won’t be able to get anything important, like work or making a living, done.
The Draft: If a military draft is instituted CorPersons over 18 years of age will be eligible. Like their human counter parts, they will be put to work as the military commands. Oil companies will become information technology providers. Aircraft manufactures will be in scripted into the infantry, etcetera. Manufacturing firms will…. Well, let’s just hope the war isn’t against China.
Bankruptcy: Yes. Underwater? Behind on your payments to creditors? Profitability in the dumper? Can’t make the payroll? We have courts where these matters are settled for human people and why not for CorPersons, even TBTF BankoCorPersons, as well? Human people at the top of the CorPerson will need to act like other human people in business. When times are bad, when things go wrong, human people at the top of the CorPerson get paid last or not at all!
The Right to Vote: Each CorPerson should have suffrage and be allowed one vote in Federal, State, County and local jurisdictions wherein they were inCorPersonhooded upon the reaching voting age. This will also get them called for jury duty.
And, finally…
The Right to Die: As there is no physiological means of CorPerson death, every day all U.S. CorPersons will be subjected to the human equivalent of the grim reaper, an actuarial lottery to see if they are dead or alive. Aggregate CorPerson life spans will not exceed human averages. When their number’s up, their number is up, all operations must cease immediately. Competitors, please feel free to dance on the coffin of a departed foe, but keep in mind, just like humans, your time will come too, and you never know when.
Can you think of more human attributions, the slings and arrows of being flesh and blood that CorPersons should endure? Please, chime in!
